Worry: A Fallacy of the Mind

How often do you find yourself worrying? 

About money...

Work...

The kids...

To do lists... 

Responsibilities piling up...?

Do you tell yourself your worry is worthwhile?  That worrying is how you care? 

Or if you didn’t worry about your To Do list, nothing would get done? 

Is worry your reminder, your alarm bell, or even the way you show concern for others?

NONE of this is true!  It is all lies your mind tricks you into believing in an effort to keep you safe.  Your brain cares more about your survival than your happiness.  So, until you retrain it to focus on the things you want vs. the things you don't, you'll end up worrying more than you need to. 

Here are common lies we believe about worry and how to combat them.

First Lie: Worry is Productive

What if I told you worry was a false sense of action?  Think about this for a minute. 

When we worry (I still catch myself in this behavior too), it gives us a feeling that we are doing something about our problems, when in actuality, we aren’t taking any action.

For example, if we’re worrying about all the work responsibilities we have this week, we feel like we are taking the first step in accomplishing them, but we aren’t!  It gives us an artificial sense of productivity.  A quick dopamine hit.  It makes us believe we are working on our tasks/problems/issues when in fact we are only thinking about them AND in a negative way.  We are projecting a fear of the future (the impending email we have to write to an important client or the tough conversation with a vital co-worker) into the present and dwelling on all that could go wrong. 

Instead, we could release those worrisome thoughts, and begin to act.  Action is the antidote to worry.   

Let me repeat that.  Action is the antidote to worry.   

As we begin writing the email to the client, fear takes a backseat, and your focus narrows in on the task in front of you.  You aren’t writing and worrying at the same time, you are making real progress.  Then once you send the email, the well-deserved hit of dopamine releases, as you’ve actually accomplished something this time around. 

Second Lie: Worry is Fear of the Present Moment

This simply isn’t true.  Worry is fear of a future event. When we focus on what is ahead of us vs what is right in front of us, our mind runs wild with all sorts of imaginative ideas. 

There are positive example of this, such as when we are brainstorming, casting a vision, or laying out a multi-year plan.  This is when future thinking is a great idea, required in fact.  However, when you are in this mode of planning or dreaming it isn’t the same as fearing future problems.  You are aspiring to create something, not dreading a fateful outcome. 

However, most of the time when we are projecting ourselves or others into the future it is because we are stuck in an imaginary fear loop.  Fear that something will turn out as bad as we can imagine.  Yet, that is exactly the crux of the issue- ‘as we can imagine’.  It’s imaginary, it isn’t true. 

As Eckhart Tolle says in his book, The Power of Now, “Narrow your life down to this moment.  Your life situation may be full of problems – most life situations are – but find if you have any problem at this moment.  Not tomorrow or in ten minutes, but now.  Do you have a problem now?”

Your problems are in an imagined future.  Remaining present and taking action are the quickest ways out of worry.

Third Lie: Worry is Your Best Reminder

Next you may be thinking, what about the time when I worried about a project and then solved a problem or remembered a deadline because of the fear?  (I was stuck in this trap for a LONG time).  I thought my worry added to my success.  But once I took a deeper look, I realized it was only causing me harm, it wasn’t helping me at all.

When we worry our brain triggers the release of epinephrine (adrenaline), norepinephrine, and cortisol.  These are healthy and helpful hormones IF we are in immediate danger, but our brain doesn’t know the difference between the approaching work deadline and being on the verge of a life-or-death situation, so it releases the same hormones for both situations. 

The purpose of these hormones is to give you the speed, strength, and agility to get yourself out of a life-threatening situation and then dissipate once you are safe.  Yet our chronic stress/worry/anxiety confuse our brain into releasing these hormones repeatedly for everyday stressful situations.  This is physically taxing and can lead to harmful effects on your body.  We won’t get into all those details now, but I wanted to explain how worry triggers more in your body than just fearful thoughts.

So what do we do?  How do we make sure we stay on top of the deadlines, projects, kid’s schedules, difficult conversations, etc.?

We create new, healthy strategies.  Just because something has worked for you in the past (worry/dread/fear) doesn’t mean it is the best habit to keep going forward. 

Here are some ideas I’ve implemented to help me quell the worrisome thought loop. 

I’ve incorporated many different reminder technologies into my daily life such as:

• Reminders app on my phone: I use this for a reminder to pay bills, send birthday wishes, take out the trash weekly, and give my dog her monthly medicine.  You can use this app for anything!  I love it because I can easily set a time, date, make the event repeat, and then check it off when it’s done.  It also makes a noise when it notifies me and stays on the front screen of my phone until I check it off.

• Calendar: I use my work calendar and personal calendar, not only for scheduling and tracking events, but also for a To Do list. If there is something specific, I need to get done that day, it goes on the calendar.  The timing of the task is usually irrelevant, but I know I cannot finish my day without completing or rescheduling it.  This is huge when it comes to taking time off work and allowing my brain a real break from all the projects in motion.  I confirm every important project or task is booked on my calendar for the day I return to the office so that I can not only remember them but determine the best time to complete them. 
  • What is written down (in a place you will see it) will get done.

• Alarm on my phone: I use my phone alarm to wake up in the morning AND I use it to remind me when to get the kids ready for school, or to leave for early-release pickup, or even to defrost chicken for dinner.  Anything I need a specific one-time reminder for, I’ll set up a phone alarm to remind me.

• Notes app on my phone: This is probably my favorite app of all. I write down anything and everything that is on my mind.  I use it to make grocery lists (using the checklist feature, it is amazing.  You must try it if you haven’t already!), write down amazing quotes I’ve heard, keep track of ideas as they come to mind, pre-write out a long text to re-read before sending, etc.  This is a great place to keep track of any lists or long form writing.  It does not have an alarm feature, so this is not the place for time sensitive reminders, but more of a virtual journal/notebook.

I utilize each of these apps to get the to-dos, reminders, responsibilities, thoughts, concerns, ideas out of my head and on-to somewhere I can reference them later, when needed.  They have allowed me to let go of the project deadline fear as I know I have scheduled it in my calendar, the constant watching of the clock so that we aren’t late for school, and the fear of missing an important appointment or paying a bill on time. 

I can free my mind of future worries and concerns by documenting them and then mentally letting them go.

Another quote that I remind myself of often, from Eckhart Tolle Eckhart Tolle in his book, The Power of Now is, “You can always cope with the Now, but you can never cope with the future – nor do you have to.  The answer, the strength, the right action or the resource will be there when you need it, not before, not after.”

This reminds me I don’t have to pre-worry about a situation in order to be prepared for it.  I can plan when needed, release it, and trust that what I need will be available when I need it.

Now you’re probably like me and you’re thinking, but what about those times when I DIDN’T have the answer I needed, or I made a HUGE mistake; where was the insight I trusted in those situations?

And here is the answer I came up with, I had exactly what I needed when I needed it.  Therefore, I was not supposed to have the right answer at that time, and I was supposed to make that mistake. 

Yes, this is painful, at least at first. 

When you experience something like this, give yourself time to take a step back and analyze it from a different perspective.  Instead of viewing yourself as an idiot (which is exactly what I have done in the past), ask yourself what good or benefit could have come from this.  Remind yourself that we are all human and we all make mistakes. 

Have you ever felt relief when someone you looked up to, revealed a vulnerable experience or made a public slipup?  I know I have.  It made me feel like I wasn’t alone and reminded me of our shared humanity. 

Maybe your mistake helped someone else feel this way.  Or maybe there was a lesson to learn that you had to get wrong first, before you could get it right. 

Think about it.  And be open to multiple outcomes.  

Fourth Lie: Worry Equals Love

And last, but not least, worrying about someone is not the same as caring about them.  You can use the same technique as planning for a dreaded work task: prepare and let go.  Worrying hurts you, as I’ve explained earlier, and worry does not stop bad things from happening. 

It is up to you if you want to live in dread and fear in the guise of caring for others.  However, at the end of the day you’re projecting your fear onto them, which isn’t best for either of you.  Care, love, protect, and allow others to live their lives.  If your instincts are telling you they’re in a bad situation, trust yourself and make the decision to help take them out of it.  Otherwise, let it be.  

Worrisome thoughts are not hereditary, but they are learned.  What do you want to pass onto to those you love or those who look up to you? 

Do you want them to see dread or resiliency?  Worry or confidence?  Courage or fear? 

Remember your thoughts create your feelings, your feelings motivate action, and action produces results.  The thoughts you allow to continue are your choice.  You have the option to give them your attention or allow them to fade away. 

Which thoughts do you want to stick around?  Create the habit of focusing on those and see what amazing results will follow.

Terminating the habit of worry will take time, it honestly may not ever completely go away.  However, your response to and belief of fearful thoughts CAN change.  If you notice when a worrisome thought arises and you immediately question its origin and validity, this is how you know you have conquered the fear.  Worry does not have to control your life.  You can make a different decision and believe different thoughts. 

The choice is up to you.  Choose wisely.