The Pervasiveness of Perfectionism

Perfection: the unattainable standard to which you hold yourself as well as others. 

If you consider yourself a perfectionist (I am a recovering one as well), it’s difficult to believe that you hold unattainable standards for other people too.   But it doesn’t make it any less true. 

You hold yourself to a standard which you will never meet and even if your standard for others is not as high, it is likely higher than what they feel is their best.  And that judgement whether verbally or subconsciously expressed makes others feel like they don’t measure up. 

If your good enough is never good enough for you, then their good enough isn’t either. 

At its root, perfectionism is a mask we wear so that others see a façade instead of the real us.  We feel we are not worthy enough as we are, so we must prove to others that we never make mistakes, excellence comes easy, and we are always in control. 

Perfectionism can show up in many ways.  Some people apply it to all areas of their life, others only apply it to where they feel most insecure.  (Wow, that hit hard even as I wrote it…) 

We can feel very confident in certain areas, but if we’re not perfect then we feel we’re missing the mark and insecurity seeps in. 

But the bar that we set at perfect cannot and will not ever be attained. 

Yes, it is good to set stretch goals as they push us outside of our comfort zone by requiring us to do things we’ve never done before.  However, there is a huge difference between a stretch goal and aiming for perfection. 

No one is perfect, EVER.  Even when we think someone else received a perfect score, or looks perfect on the cover of a magazine, or is raising a perfect child- none of this is reality. 

There are cracks behind every façade, nothing is as it seems. 

We are allowing ourselves to crown others with the ‘honor’ of perfection while staring straight at our own flaws.  We are viewing the perfection from our limited perspective and placing judgement on ourselves for not measuring up.  The truth is that, it’s all a lie. 

If perfectionism is not true for me then it cannot be true for you either.  It is a persona we take on to protect ourselves, all the while eroding our sense of self-worth. 

Therefore, the antidote to perfectionism is self-love and acceptance.

Once we love ourselves as we are and accept ourselves as we are, today, then we can reach for our goals from a place of joy and confidence vs a place of striving and fear. 

Also, do not be fooled by believing acceptance will hold you down to a level of mediocrity.  This just isn’t accurate.  Acceptance will actually be a catalyst to reaching your goals faster.  As everything works out better when we find joy within ourselves and the process.

Next, look at those around you.  What standards are you holding them to?  Instead of raising the bar outside of reach hoping they will work harder, jump higher, or exceed your expectations; try asking them what they want and reset the bar there. 

A happy partner, child, friend, or employee will always go the extra mile because they are doing it from a place of joy and not a place of fear.  Once they know you accept them just as they are, they will want more for themselves and will take ownership of their own bar.  But you must be willing to let go and let them choose their own path.  Of course, you want the best for them, but when it comes to adults, only they can actually know what is best.  Children are a different story, but teaching them to trust, love, and accept themselves from an early age will help them choose wisely as they get older.

It will take courage to disarm yourself of your perfectionism, but you are strong.  You can begin to let your guard down today and even though it feels scary, vulnerable even, you can keep going. 

Each day you can choose to keep walking this path knowing on the other side you will find peace and freedom, not only for yourself, but for those you love as well.