A Note on Boundaries

Boundaries are a hot topic today.  You could even call it a buzz word.

But what about when boundaries are difficult? 

What about when those around you do not like your new boundaries and YOU are forced to deal with their anger, unhappiness, or disappointment? 

For people pleasers, this feels like torture, and yet people pleasers are the ones who need boundaries the most. 

So what the heck do we do? 

Sure, it is easy to stick with our boundaries when we do not receive push back.  Boundaries that are accepted by others are easy to put in place and maintain.  However, as you begin to establish new boundaries you will inevitably create one that is not appreciated by all. 

Your boundary may make your loved one feel uncomfortable, unhappy, frustrated, or even angry. 

And after establishing them, you may find yourself feeling guilty…  Which means you have taken ownership of your loved one’s feelings. 

Your boundaries are put in place to meet your needs.  How others react to your boundaries is their problem.  Their feelings are their own.  In order to stay true to yourself, you must protect your boundaries.  Anything less would be an act of self-betrayal.

As difficult as it is (and boy do I get it!), you have to let it go.  You chose you.  Your boundaries are in place to protect you from taking on something you do not feel comfortable with and will end up resenting later.  Your boundaries, though they may make others uneasy in the short-term, are best for both you and them. 

Would your loved one rather know how you truly feel vs guessing and possibly being wrong? 

Would your loved one rather hear the truth than a gentle white lie? 

Would your love one rather you stand firm in your beliefs now or feed the resentment you’ll hold against them later? 

Boundaries might be uncomfortable for everyone as you begin to set them in place, however, they will save you from harmful (or even at times, hurtful) conversations later. 

As Terri Cole, the Boundary Boss, says, “Healthy boundaries allow for an equal partnership where both the power and responsibilities are shared.  You can’t have real love without really explicit and healthy boundaries!”